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CBT 1 (6000 words +) 22 June 2009 Cognitive Behaviour Therapy 22nd June 2008 Without a recording of this session I would never have understood or recalled what I had said. I used to record meetings. I need to do so again. I should have been doing so for the last few years. This is what it takes for me to understand not only what I am saying & meaning, but what others are asking me. Like an agile politician I find I often reach my answers via a tortuous root. From the transcript: I do find that my interpretation of what is said is very different to what was actually said. Unless I record it I can get the wrong end of the stick. As you are running it through you filter. And I pre-empt what people are saying; I hear what I expect to hear, not what they are necessarily saying. Subsequent notes have been added in italics. PERSONAL DETAILS OCCUPATION Swimming Teacher & Coach, as a volunteer now the Assistant Coach doing 16-20 hours a week. Writer, Corporate Communicator & Director, though this work has been non-existent. (What have I been paid to do: account manager, hospital porter, marketing assistant, telephone sales in magazines, video/TV production assistant, video/TV off-line editor, video/TV assistant producer. video/TV producer, video/TV director, video/TV company owner/executive producer ... & what have I done that I have not been paid to do: Broadcast TV researcher MARRIED & TWO CHILDREN GP QQ. In one sentence what is your reason for seeking therapy? I took the initiative over the last 6-7 years as I felt I was making the wrong decisions, coming to the wrong making conclusion, doing u-turns at the last minutes. saying one thing meaning another, saying yes to people when I meant no. It was starting to get me down. I felt there was a pattern of behaviour that I was going through and unless I let other people make the decisions for me I will continue to make the wrong decisions or regretting the decisions. The only decision I have not regretted or got wrong was getting married to my wife. QQ. Over the last 12 months looking at your level of self-esteem. If 10 is annoyingly buoyant and 0 is completely lacking self-esteem. Crushed. Rock bottom. The lowest would be sleeping on a park bench with a can of White Diamond. Which I am yet to do. Though am inclined to try these things just for the experience. Put asleep on the beach by a couple of cans of Scrumpy Jack might be the closest I’ve got. Though age 14 or 15 I did get plastered on vodka with a handful of fellow teens and fell asleep in a horse-trough (empty). This was on the island of Alderney. The focus of my desires was a girl called Penny. It was the first time I got my hand up a girls jumper. As far as it went! Sticking a number to it? 2/10. This has a massive impact on what I do. It is greatly disabling to have such low esteem given the career path I have chosen as a ‘creative’ as I can’t complete anything or get it out for fear of rejection. QQ. Looking at the last month have there been feelings of hopeless ... as in no future? Not no future. But behaviour, looking at how I have spent my time, if it hadn’t gradually developed. I’m inclined to end up in the bedroom, in bed, under a duvet, can be day long., hiding myself away and shutting myself off. Not helped by being ill ... taking a variety of medications that probably don’t help or allow me to have the excuse to nod off a lot. (And getting agitated/irritated by everything around me from what I perceive as loud music, diesel vans, smoke, the TV, phone .. ). I can tolerate crashing waves, screaming gulls and persistent collared doves. QQ. Any suicidal thoughts? Never. QQ. Ever any idealised thoughts of suicide in that that would be a nice thing to do? Never. Because if I kill myself I can’t sit down and write about it. QQ. Any self-harm? Never. QQ. Have my feelings ever led me to harm anyone else? Never. QQ. Your health. I’ve allowed it to gradually deteriorate over six or seven years compared to swimming training, taking part in triathlons & swimathons. I blame a series of events: redundancy, father’s death, (lack of success/challenges) ... QQ. Recreational drugs? Never QQ. Smoking? Never QQ. Medications? Gabapentin. Aciclivor. Loratadine Salbumamol. Beclometasone. Co-codamoll. Nasal spray (steroid) ... Beclometasone Beclometasone is a potent glucocorticoid steroid. In the form of an inhaler (e.g. Becotide, Qvar), a wide number of brands of which are available, it is used for the prophylaxis of asthma. As a nasal spray (e.g. Beconase, Vancenase), it is used for the treatment of rhinitis (e.g. hayfever) and sinusitis. In some instances it is used by oral pathologists in the treatment of unusually severe canker sores. I have been on Qvar for six years or more which I use with a space that cuts down the amount of steroid that is deposited in my mouth. As a cream or ointment (trade name Propaderm) it is used to treat severe inflammatory skin disorders (e.g. eczema) unresponsive to less potent steroids, but is generally avoided in the treatment of psoriasis due to the risk of rebound on withdrawal. It is also licenced to treat ulcerative colitis in conjunction with doses of 5-aminosalicylates in the United Kingdom in the form of a gastro resistant, periodic release tablet marketed under the brand name Clipper. Side effects Occasionally it may cause a cough upon inhalation. Deposition on the tongue and throat may promote oral candidiasis which appears as a white coating, possibly with irritation.[1][2][3] This may usually be prevented by rinsing the mouth with water after using the inhaler. Other side effects may rarely include: a smell not dissimilar to burning plastic, unpleasant taste, hoarseness or nasal congestion, pain or headache and visual changes. Allergic reactions rarely may occur. Gabapentin I take it to relive neuropathic pain – pain then emanates the from the jaw & behind the ear then passes alongside the sinuses into and surrounding the left hemisphere of the scull. I was however interested to pick this out of the write up on Wikipedia. It is not uncommon for the prescription of Gabapentin to occur in a mental health context. It has been investigated as a mood-stabilizing treatment for bipolar disorder with the potential therapeutic advantage of having fewer side-effects than better established bipolar drugs such as lithium and valproic acid. Gabapentin has limited usefulness in the treatment of anxiety disorders such as social anxiety disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder, in treatment-resistant depression, and for insomnia. Very allergic to House Mite Dust, pollens fumes, products, hair gell, creosote, screenwash in the car ... (and foods: wheat, yeast, gluten, sulphites, monosodium glutamate ... cigarette smoke, exhaust fumes ... This has been the case all of my life. I feel most well on the prow of a boat at sea – sailing. Well away from the belching exhaust of ferries & cargo vessels (and out of ear shot of motor-power vessels of any kind). I feel most well above the tree-line, on exposed moors and on snow covered mountains. I like it under water too. There’s not much of any of this in my life right now. There used to be so much of it. Therapeutic bursts of it every Winter, Easter & Summer. We used to live by the sea ... sod the gulls, I loved the salty sea-air, the gales the go through you ... Aciclivor One of the most commonly-used antiviral drugs, it is primarily used for the treatment of herpes simplex virus infections, as well as in the treatment of herpes zoster (shingles). Without any tests being done I’ve had a ten day supply of this ... got through it in three weeks and now have another dosage. This is a pharmacological nightmare ... a pill-popping nonsense that I could do without. I truly believe that what I need is good food, exercise and an ambitious project (well paid) on the go ... and cut out the coffee (I drink espresso strength mugs of it) and the alcohol (strictly lager as I drink wine or Loratadine Loratadine is an antihistamine drug used to treat allergies, and marketed for its non-sedating properties. Loratadine is indicated for the symptomatic relief of allergy such as hay fever (allergic rhinitis), urticaria (hives), and other skin allergies. For allergic rhinitis (hay fever), loratadine is effective for both nasal and eye symptoms: sneezing, runny nose, itchy or burning eyes. Pharmacokinetics Loratadine is given orally, is well absorbed from the gastrointestinal tract, and has rapid first-pass hepatic metabolism. Loratadine is almost totally bound to plasma proteins. Its metabolite, desloratadine (descarboethoxyloratadine), is also active, but binds to plasma proteins only moderately. Loratadine's peak effect occurs in 1–2 hours, and its biological half-life is on average 8 hours with its metabolite's half-life being 28 hours. About 40% is excreted as conjugated metabolites into the urine, and a similar amount is excreted into the feces. Traces of unmetabolised loratadine can be found in the urine. Non-sedating antihistamine As a non-sedating antihistamine, loratadine causes less sedation and psychomotor impairment than the older antihistamines because it penetrates the blood brain barrier only to a slight extent. Although drowsiness is rare at the common 10mg dose, patients should nevertheless be advised that it can occur and may affect performance of skilled tasks (e.g. driving); excess alcohol should be avoided. Most common side-effects Drowsiness, headache, psychomotor impairment, and antimuscarinic effects such as urinary retention, dry mouth, blurred vision, and gastrointestinal disturbances are the most common side effects. Other rarer side-effects Hypotension, extrapyramidal effects, dizziness, confusion, depression, sleep disturbances, lower back pain, tremor, convulsions, palpitation, arrhythmias, hypersensitivity reactions (including bronchospasm, angioedema, and anaphylaxis, rashes, and photosensitivity reactions), blood disorders, liver dysfunction, erectile dysfunction, and angle-closure glaucoma are less common side effects. QQ. Ever on antidepressants ? No? Yes? Ritalin for a while when I was misdiagnosed as having ADHD by an NHS introduced psychiatrist who took me private and put me on this. I saw that it would become like coffee or a can of Kronenberg so took myself off it and ditched the psychiatrist. Yes QQ. Where would that take you back to? A career from creative writing ... which is yet to transpire. But this won’t transpire if I don’t send anything out. So back to the level of employment I was in the 80/90 on £50k as a producer/executive producer. Or not. I don’t know. Wherein lies the problem. I am a dog chasing his tail. Being more realistic, because I enjoy the swimming (teaching & coaching) so much ... so more modest 3 days a week or a few hours a day, so lower key so that I don’t get into the problems I was having before. But I lack the training or character for these environments and could fall into the old traps. (Living in a grace and favour apartment doing my own thing! Probably in a castle. With a heated pool & sauna & sun bed & staff ... with a dining room, hall & moat. With ... well you get the idea. But I’ve been there haven’t I dear? QQ. How is the relationship with your wife? V. long pause/sigh. (I tread unnecessarily carefully hear to avoid crying. Loving someone and feeling you are letting them down hurts). QQ. Is it a good working relationship that you have? How would you describe it. Picking individual words perhaps ... We cope. (Struggles to find the words). We’ve lived in a way that has been less conventional than regular couples so by not having regular 9-5 jobs, renting for x years (money down the drain), living/moving to different parts of the country & to France. QQ. What does she do? Medical Market Research - bilingual French/English. QQ. Relationship with the children? I’ve been extraordinarily privileged ... when my youngest was 3.5/4 I was taking him to pre-school then school, taking him in to Primary School, picking them up at lunchtime, picking them up after school all that time, even swimming regularly which has turned into my career as a swimming coach ... close He hopes. QQ. How about your relations with other family members. Try to use single words. Father. By all accounts Tortured. That sounds like someone else’s opinion. Mine. On his side or both? On both sides. A very strong word to use. Why? He was a very private man, with his children extremely successful: CEO of PLC turning over £156m p.a, the Senior Partner of a Firm of Solicitors, Chairman of RBST etc: What didn’t he do ‘He’s fantastic, of course.’ Why tortured? Age 6-9 my parents went through a foul divorce. My only memories of him at these period are of my parents fighting constantly. He remarried three times. Why tortured? From age 6 – 8 the parents separating. They went through a divorce, yelling & throwing things at each other. He then left and I didn’t see much of him for a couple of years. As a young adult I would spend three weeks with him sailing or skiing and I felt it was never a father/son relationship. We never had anything to say to each other. Unless it was about sailing or skiing. Of all the four children I spent a lot of time with him though I didn’t feel I was with a father. But it might be hypercritical. I don’t know what my children expect of me. Being there. Just being there. I think its a damned fine place to start. What’s missing with him? Closeness. As a boy growing up. I am a writer. I’ve kept a diary since I was 13. I work back on that. I have vivid & well remembered memories of being a son. It was staggering how many few things he did as a parent. father, adviser how much of that sticks in your brain forever: clipping your toe nails, brushing your hair, brushing your shoes ... (washing your hands after going to the toilet ... cleaning a 12-bore shot-gun, rearing Labrador puppies, choosing and planting rhododendrons, fly-fishing, putting up a rope-ladder, planting apple-trees, carving a chicken, pulling a Christmas cracker, watering and spraying roses ... skiing/sailing, going up in a plane after he learned to fly, adding water to a car radiator, playing chess, backgammon, table-tennis ... a few sessions at the Montagu Baths swimming, shooting a .22 rifle, archery, ornithology & bird photography ... putting up a shed & dog-kennel ... ) He is god. This is how god does it. Exactly. Not a father son relationship. He was incapable of expressing his emotions whether he was pleased with you or not. From this, I believe stems my feeling that criticism is in fact a ticking off, that I am being told off for something. Because this is how my father told you off, he would be critical, he would put on a face but not say anything, he’d stir up the issue and trigger an explosive response as if that is what he required. (He was intolerant of many things & found it hard to deal with issues before they blew up. He was impatient. He behaved in this petulant, pet-up manner as an adult over such things as: eating his grapefruit, having a second glass of orange juice, speaking with a hard Geordie ‘a,’ using the butter knife in the jam, appearing in the morning without brushed hair, repeating phrases such as ‘you know,’ not understanding that ‘it’s’ is no a possessive, splitting an infinitive as in ‘to boldly go,’ even spelling judgment with an ‘e’ after the ‘g.’ Not greeting the domestic staff with a ‘good morning,’ standing up when someone, especially a woman, came into the room, using a bog-brush to swill out the toilet bowl. He got particularly cross with my older sister when she wouldn’t eat her puffa-puffa rice (it ended up over her head) or couldn’t commit to swimming a width of a swimming pool). He was very capable of showing his angry disapproval. He would let situations ferment and then he would explode. Seeing his face now in my mind’s eye I see the face of someone who has had too much to drink. Not that he was a drunk. I’ve done enough to understand that with kids that you do no diss ‘em, you give them praise. I went through a periods seeking approval and was crushed. On what transpired to be his death bed he admitted to not liking children. I’d gone up to see him, making a day trip from Oxfordshire to Carlisle. I had no desire to stay with the woman who had just become Step Mother No.3 and hadn’t the money to put myself up anywhere. I ought to have at least gone across to Newcastle to stay with my sister. Perhaps she was away. Anyway, my father complained about someone’s grandchildren making a lot of noise/fuss on a visit. My father had been so intolerant and dismissive of my own children when they were 3 & 1 that he only saw them once. I feel I made an impolite retreat from his hospital bed as the prospect of my ‘step mother’ making an appearance ... and maybe that I feared where a deep conversation might have led. It might had led to him confessing that he had terminal cancer – he dismissed his illness to me though he knew he had cancer as he had refused chemotherapy, he also failed to advise me that he had made me and my kid sister executors of his Will. Something that consequently withered my soul, tortured my heart and led me to gradually reach for the bottle/can (and split infinitives) over the four/five years it took to resolve that emotional mess. I’ll lend you a copy of The Compassionate Mind by Paul Gilbert. It puts parental figures into very sharp focus and the impact it has on you forty years later. Did he approve of you? I’ve put down arid. He was brought up in a very strict environment & his parents broke up too. Indeed, having taken the Family Tree back over 200 hundred years I find nothing but trouble from the male line ... my grandparents broke up, my great-grandparents were troubled and 150 years ago an abandoned wife was first in a doss house and then running a tenement on the quayside in Newcastle. He felt that because he was dictated to by his mother that we can do what we wanted. You do as you like. So not too judgemental over decisions I took. I felt that too many decisions were made to please him, from hoping to read Modern History at Cambridge. I wanted to go into TV & Film, but because he had done a Law degree I felt I should do something more worthwhile as I was wasting my undergraduate education. That would have been more helpful to me, and wouldn’t have had to stop me to get into TV or Film A lot of people are still trying to please the Pope, Their parents, the woman next door ... Considering this I believe that on a creative level my impetus has always been the desire to please or impress – not my father or mother, but someone whose attention I craved ... a girlfriend. I am driven my the heart-lifting inspiration of love ... & lust ... & attraction. QQ. Mother. It doesn’t matter what you do you can retake them to be a Doctor. She currently wants me to do an MA in Fine Art, which is what she did. This will solve all our problems. QQ. A good relationship? Yes. QQ. Does she love you? Very much so. QQ. Do you love her? Yes. She still sees me as an eight year old. Feel too mollycoddles at this age. QQ. Siblings Older sister. 53 ? or 52/51 Then NCm 49. Then me. Then younger sister SJf 45. Relationships with them all. My brother lives in South Africa where he’s been for 20+ years. Completely different to me. As children growing up we were where physically the same shape & size but all I remember in our childhood was him beating me up. With JFVF? Tortured. At the minute my best mate as we have a lot in common. Lives in Canterbury. Why tortured? She ... intellectually we’re on the same wave-length, but she went off the rails when the parents divorced and has had repeated problems since, largely with alcohol but also with relationships. With SJf. I think v. close. Whenever we have been able to we go on holiday together when we can afford to do so. My wife is best friends with her. QQ. Looking back at your childhood. Was there any trauma? In terms of the divorce. And you were 7 when it started? Yes. (or younger). QQ. No death of a sibling? No. But if I want to fictionalise all of this then repeated attempts by my brother to kill me might make a story. Indeed, based on real events I have contemplated fictionalising my pushing my late father from his pesky sailing boat. The moment would have been a midnight scramble to get his boat off the rocks off Weston Super Mer in an 11 Knot tidal race. I’d kill off two of the three step-mothers too. I don’t know how I’d do it, but Step Mother one would be cut into small pieces and discretely placed into drums that were used to test the Uranium Trioxide deep-ground holding facility where I was responsible for producing a training film. That would be a body that could never be recovered. The other Step Mother I have other plans for ... chained to a wall in whore house comes to mind. Birth to 13 years old. Happy? Yes. Traditional. Boarding prep school & public school. Typical North East, Upper Middle Class pretensions for Landed Gentry lifestyle. The only world I knew, which it clearly isn’t. This, on reflection, is only one part of the mix. Perhaps the mix we care to recall. On my mother’s paternal side the origins are exceedingly modest. My great-grandfather was a domestic servant, a groom, then head-groom and chauffeur to a wealthy family in Consett, Co. Durham. My grandfather left school at 14 and started out as an officer boy, via surviving the Great War as a machine-gunner then fighter pilot he only inched up to the managerial level of area manager for a North East brewery. My grandmother’s father had been successful, but also had humble origins as a shops assistant. There was a fear and blatant snobbery of relations with or falling back to these ‘working class’ origins. (No. Miserable. Angry. Confused. Challenged people & events constantly. Contrary. Agitated. Hyper. Active – swimming, drawing. Wanted the parents back together.) Yes! From the perspective of where I am now. QQ Key words. Fantastic. My brother had been through the hoop and he had been told no to a few decisions and I got a yes. I got out of public school at O’level. A very traditional school, Sedbergh in Cumbria. Bizarrely I have spent the last year at EaXX College – it was amazing how familiar it was and comfortable I felt wit hit. It was down to puberty. The pecking order, not being able to & lack of access to females was probably the biggest motivator and I felt they’d never get me into Oxford or Cambridge. We called them the rugger buggers. And there was horrendous bullying. From there to the RGS where I thrived ... QQ Issues not about you but about the environment? I believe so. QQ Before the kids come and all the rest. I lived in cloud cuckoo land. Stopped & started. Very arrogant. Got a great job in advertising. JWT, London with more expenses that the average MP has now. Bonkers sought of a world. I was an account manager. But very quickly got out of that into TV & Video production & much more content out of that mega company loop out with cameramen filming making writing hands on, craft skills ... which I did on and off for twenty years never giving a thought for what I’d be doing. Not of course the full story. I loathed JWT not least because I was placed with a camp character who unsettled me. I’m no homophobic but he was so over the top I felt uneasy around him. And I thought that flogging as many Kit-kats & Walnut whips as we could was not a mature or intellectually or creatively satisfying thing to do at all. I did D&AD workshops, left after six months had a hideous six months as my life collapsed suddenly around me – out into horrible digs in shared rental accommodation in Lewisham, my girlfriend of five years having two or more affairs while on her year of in France and then dropping me ... and I ended up taking a job first a hospital porter (three days), then as a marketing assistant with Texaco (three weeks) and then flogging space in directories over the phone (six weeks) ... before getting a job in a micro TV production company as the office runner/research/assistant ... a job that turned into production assistant/assistant producer/director/writer in the space of six months courtesy of Alan Scale at Imagicians to whom I should have shown far great loyalty.) QQ. When did that period end? I don’t think it has. When did it end? I tried to end it in ‘98-99 when I made more attempts to settle down in a regular job, but me and that environment don’t mix. (And trying to have a company.) QQ A fairly buoyant period of twenty years. Sounds like a twenty year good period? No. There were some major black downs. 1985. A relationship with a close girlfriend came to an end after five years. We’d been together since we were 18/16 and it ran five years. We split up around her 21st but we bumped into each other once or twice and had affairs, behind our partner’s backs (not my current wife’s I might add). (And many other black periods. Frustration with JWT. Unemployed. then Manpower Services. Lewisham. Vicki & Vicky!! Hobsons. TVL Stuart & RJ Robson Brown & the secretary from hell. Failed relationships ... anxiety at JWM) QQ. When did the free-wheeling video end? It wasn’t that swashbuckling. September 2001. I had been made redundant and was working out my notice. I was at home and watched the Twin Towers. Then I found out my father had terminal cancer. QQ. Did the events of September 2001 lead to you being here? Are there precursors. A turn in your fortunes from this date. (Father’s will as executor. Killer. Drink. Compulsion to dig deep. Anger. Being made second best ... again to a girlfriend). (I didn’t. It was a temporary blip of interest. A few long phone calls. A few small cheques. A day long trip across England to spend twenty minutes at his bed side). We hadn’t created a foundation on which other things could have been permitted. Those who I know have sustained a creative career could have only done so because they knuckled down. They could earn less trying to do their creative stuff rather than having to take any job they could get. QQ. Freewheeling. Unstructured. Hedonistic. Yes. Playing to my nature. But also professionally taught. To be a professional creative you need to explore all avenues. (To be a writer you need to live. To have something to write about.) Exploring avenues that other people aren’t willing to explore. Whilst other people e would say not to try to write a book ... I would and give myself six months. And occasionally projects would be successful. QQ. There are certain behaviours that are just you. This is your personality. Do you judge yourself harshly or are you more compassionate? I will think that I can’t ... that Je suis comme je suis It is nature, not nurture. Jacques Prevert. I could say this is pointless, I am who I am, I’m not going to change. Do that I don’t end up on a park bench with a can of White Diamond. (And I’ve always felt that I had to indulge who I am if I am to be successful & happy). QQ. Are you harsh with yourself? Are you harsh and critical? Understanding? Empathetic? What is the voice inside you saying? The situation needs to be better than it is ... something we’ve got into through a series of decisions, it was never our intention to get to this stage. (You are who you are. Do as ... you please or displease?) (I can relate to Van Gogh, Henry Miller, Jackson Pollock, Rimbaud & Oliver Reed. What was it I said to a friend when I gave him a copy of Steven Pressfield’s ‘The War of Art’ ? I’m the Jackson Pollock of writing. I’d better get back to drinking then. Whereas in the past the solution would have been ... dick of to France. When I was able to do that, that was often the solution for me. Something different was the solution to the problems today. QQ. Move away from whatever it is and going and put yourself in a different environment? Remove one set of pressures and replace it with a different set of pressures. QQ. Being settled is unsettling? Not enough challenges, not the right kind of challenges. Not enough stimulation whether it is positive or negative. September 2001. What are the consequences? Changes in your behaviour, thinking, emotions. Jonathan pre 2001 compared to Jonathan post 2001? What is the difference? There might be a sense of ‘this is it,’ it ain’t going to get better. I find it amazing that such a long period has passed. But circumstances ... we’d just bought a house, we’d just left Lewes & gone to Seaford ... and we’d wished we’d rented in Lewes. (There were money issues. My father died and had not told us he’d been dying for some time ... nor that he’d made me an Executor of his Will). But all the swimming & sailing wouldn’t have come about. I wrote an awful lot and it’s been fruitful, but I’ve put that fruit in the deep freeze. At school I used to thrive on routine to see how much I could fit into the day: get up before breakfast, drawing, music, classes & homework, swimming/run, acting ... and I’ve filled 18 hours ... and now I’ve got to sleep and sleep gets in the way and this is how it. That was how it was at university & when I initially went to London. (Success. If in the right frame of mind.) QQ. Depression is the stronger emotion? Yes. If I was feeling buoyant then nothing can stop me I can take rejection, I will put myself forward , I’ve spent my entire life putting myself up for rejection in pitches & presentation, I will see ten people and two of them will give m work but once won’t for six years. part of the job is going to meetings to try to get work. (So the problems started when we left London to have Zoe) Let’s think about depression rather than anxiety. Can you think of two situations when there’s been a building up of depression. The worst is in a foetal ball in tears. That was decades ago. (Teen crush with FF going nowhere? Lonely. Isolated. Bored.) That level of depression coming on ... if I’m pushed or provoked, if my wife didn’t love me .. Out of my love of swimming I happened to become a trustee of the local pool operator, I happened to become the Chairman of the board of trustees ... just resigned. There have been meetings, I was prepared, but the thought of having to attend that meeting deeply, deeply, deeply, deeply depressed me. What’s the thought attached to attending that meeting no the emotion, the thought that ... Jonathan you’ve got to go to the meeting or possibly the visual image? Anger. That’s an emotion. I want a thought. What a pain. How do I get myself into these situations. Why don’t I take advice when I’m given it? My stepfather said don’t do it. Then he said if it isn’t fun, don’t do it. But I did it. And I enjoyed it for a while. But then I didn’t. But I stuck with it. And it became worse & worse & worse. Out of a sense of duty or because I felt I could make a difference. What’s the strongest emotion attached to meeting, trustee, what a pain is the thought? A sense of futility. Boredom. Hollow. Empty .Waste of time. Anger. Anxiety. Guilt. Which is the stronger? Anxiety probably. Why? Because I knew, in my heart of hearts, that If I wanted to stamp my foot and be very vocal about some things I was unhappy with it. Why? I don’t like losing my temper. There was a time as a boy at prep school I was a prefect. I was known as Hitler or Granny because I was so pernickety, demanding & loud. & quite horrible. (but the perfect prefect) As a result of that I don’t want that if that is how I get things done. Intolerant? Yes. What would now be the behaviour as the meeting approached. Behaviour worked beautifully. I told my wife about it and she said don’t go. I said I had emailed them to say I wasn’t going. Half an hour before I was to go and told my wife I still hadn’t emailed them ... and she told me to, and it was such a huge sense of relief. I didn’t have to go. I didn’t have to be there. I get myself into these situations. Can you think of another example. Where you have had these negative feelings? (Neighbours. Noise: boiler, pump, naff music on the hi-fi, dogs. Being overlooked. Burning crud. Creosote. Diesel vans. Illegal/inappropriate parking). Of the same situation where you have had these negative feelings? That was a perfectly neat example. Yes. The children’s birthdays. I don’t have a credit card. I’ve paid of the debts. It really hurt me that I don’t or didn’t have the money to indulge the kids. I felt that I was letting the children down as a parent. Is that the strongest thought? I’m an inadequate father. I’m not a breadwinner. What was the emotion? Hurt. Behaviour? Go to bed. Sleep. Take an ante-histamine I didn’t need. (Drink) Looking at the children’s birthdays. I was letting the children down. What’s so bad about that? In every respect as a child, despite the emotional side, we had a good life, no one was indulgent with gifts, but we had skiing and sailing ... but to be in the situation that there is less than zero in the bank, we can’t do anything with them, we can’t get them anything ... I can’t help but feel that the situation has gone the wrong side of pleasant. The wrong side of pleasant. And being here ... I am part of the problem. I need to be around to fix the problem That’s why I’m not going to run off or commit suicide. I need to find a way through the problems without ... With the trustee meeting. What was the worst element of all that? The consequences of all that? I’m not sure what I’m looking for here. You thought is it’s a pain, ‘I won’t be able to express myself.’ I wasn’t fulfilling my role as a trustee. As a chairman it was easy because I was my role to get things out of the others. It was getting way beyond me. I would have to go through pages of legalese. But I hate committees like a plague ... I was sitting in a modest meeting of teachers. I will listen, but not say anything anymore, because I don’t want to upset people, I want to please people and you can’t please people if you are telling people they are wrong ... and I eventually express myself later. (in lengthy, well thought through emails)
What is so wrong? What are the consequences of upsetting people? Why is that so to be avoided? I want to be liked. OK. Because I can’t hack/handle people being critical of me so I daren’t be critical of them. What would be so bad about being criticised? Why should that be so painful? It shouldn’t be. But why is it? There’s a way of doing it. I’ve learnt as a swimming coach that you give positive feedback - you find a way to give praise & support. I wish more people would do that with me. You use positive feedback. My mother used this method. What is so bad about that. What is it about criticism? Why does this matter? I am very fragile. Very sensitive to the fact, that people, kind of think ... why haven’t I done an awful lot better, when people know my background, the education, the initial jobs I had, the things I created for myself. Why isn’t he running Lewes District Council instead of being a trustee for a pool operator ... criticism. I feel like I’ve got nothing left. So a criticism is the only card in the pack left stacked ... when I am so close to rock bottom that it would take me right down. But I’ve never been good with criticism. So I must avoid it. But I’ve never been good with criticism. Especially if people are correct. Expectations not met? Yours? Others? My mothers. I thought you were going to say you father. He’s not around any more. It doesn’t matter. He would be supportive. He could solve a problem with a cheque. Yes. No. What? Emotional drought. Very little emotion shown. I’m not getting all Freudian with you. Seeking his approval. Talking amongst my siblings we felt that we didn’t want his money we wanted his attention. We wanted him to sit down and take some interest in what we are doing in a constructive way, not a negative way. With my brothers & sisters we wanted him to sit down and take an interest in what we were doing in a constructive way. My own songs. There are too many words in the song. He expressed his love and care through a criticism. His mother, my grandmothers, was a battle-axe, though a dear to me as a grandchild. That’s why he had to be so successful. Obstacles to you changing. To bringing the world around to being the world you want it to be. What are the obstacle to change? Got to get my health sorted out. Get off the drugs or avoid the symptoms. Not a couple of cans of beer and a pint of espresso coffee. I must find a more mature way to keep myself alert for more hours of the day and focus on the things that matter ... I cannot prioritise I’ll have a list of 67 things .. and the most important thing is do my accounts and I’ll do the easy, trivial pointless thing and then find something else to do until the day before the accounts are due.
Health issues. Priorities. Got to get the money coming in. That’s a motivation. What are the other motivations to change. Still living out of boxes. Emotionally we .. I don’t feel we’ve moved in. And we need to get the family doing things together. Just breakfast. & Sunday lunch instead of living like four students in digs. . I go to bed at 9 she comes to be at 1. I get up at 5 she gets up at 9. You’re out of sync. We’re completely out of sync. What is going to motivate you? (Great inspiration has always been sex. Then the big prize with a round of applause) Small rewards accumulating over time so that things that I want to achieve can be achieved. Recognising that things I want to do wont happen to morrow but they might happen in 18 months time. Too often I have been so impassionate that it has to happen now. I have to have it now. I have to go their. I have t o stop that. It is too much stop start. Therapy goals. How you’re thinking & how you’re behaving. What is the thought that would be the positive moving you forward thought. Emotion. Happy. Behaviour. Smiling. The thought. I’m on top of things. I’m back in control. CONSIDERATIONS OVER THE FOLLOWING WEEK I AM Intolerant I NEED Isolation
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